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On my relation to Assassin's Creed

(will x-post this to Tumblr when it's not down for maintenance)

As it gets closer to the holidays, I start to think more. I start to grieve more.

Since Assassin's Creed is my main fandom and thus pops up on my dash most, it tends to mingle with what's going on in my brain.

And it got me thinking.

My father played through the first Assassin's Creed. I was "too young to play it", but he'd let me watch it and we'd comment on it and everything. I was always really entertained. I loved seeing him play this game.

Fast forward not-too-much. I turn sixteen years old. Three days later, my father dies. The circumstances aren't important, and I don't like getting into it, but he passes away, and it removes my ability to focus and remember for the next year. One of the few things I can remember is hearing announcements for Assassin's Creed II and being only slightly excited, because I knew my dad wasn't going to be there to play it, but at least I would.

The game comes out. I start playing it. Ezio is sassy and has a brother and sister--just like me--and he has Petruccio, of course, but very little is really shown of him. I connect to him immediately, since he's my age, my hair color, my eye color, siblings, family traits--he's like me, I'm like him.

Then the whole affair goes on and his father gets murdered. His father is dead, at his young age of seventeen. I take it personally. I'm sad for Federico and for Petruccio, but I try not to think on how much worse it would be to lose your siblings once you lose somebody as dear as your father.

And so here's Ezio, caring for his mother and sister. And here I am, comforting my mother and sister. My brother is in the Marines, and thus in another state, not in the house. It's just me, my mom, and my sister. We're all we have. That's all Ezio has to begin with after something so awful has hit him.

He becomes an Assassin. He carries on a Legacy. Inside, deep down, I tell myself "I'm going to do that. I'm going to finish what my dad started." It's only a game--of course, sure--but this has become personal. This isn't just Ezio. This is me.

The game goes on, and I start to study more on the historical happenings that went on in 1456 and onward. I begin to harbor a strong interest in the Renaissance, in fashion (due to Ezio and his friend's beautiful clothing designs), in the Italian language. These interests make it easier to cope with what's happened. It makes it easy to escape.

Playing the game, I was able to suck myself into Florence. I was there, and I was the one climbing rooftops. Firenze began to feel like a second home, though I've never been there in my life. I began to develop a bond with this game, with Leonardo da Vinci, with studying about history, with learning the language. This was my way of distracting myself from my own depression and grieving.

I continued playing it and fell in love with Ezio, with the way he carried on his life despite what had been done to him, all of the things he had to deal with. After every loss and every battle, he just keeps fighting. He doesn't just give up. He doesn't take the easy way out, the way back to his beloved father and brothers. He knows there's a reason to stay here, to keep living. His family needs him. The world needs him.

Leonardo becomes his best friend, his confidant, his everything. He finds something else to live for. Meanwhile, I find the fandom, my forever friends and my reason for living. Many times, I contemplated committing suicide. I just had to come back to them and I would remember why I needed to stay here. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be here. Sometimes, I like to think that's the sort of savior Leonardo was/is, even if he didn't know it.

Ezio became my role model. His father had died, his whole world had crashed around him, he looked for love in all the wrong places, gotten in trouble, found new love and friends, gained the respect of many and the hate of others, carried on, fought, saved, tried, achieved, failed, everything. He went through it all, and he didn't stop fighting. He was strong and brave and amazing. I want to be like that. I want to grow up to be Ezio Auditore.

I know my life was ruined when my father died, but Ezio is a perfect example that you can keep going. He wouldn't have met Rosa or Antonio or Machiavelli or Caterina or anyone if he had gone and killed himself. In the end, he wouldn't have found Sofia and fallen in love, no matter how long that took him. He did not stop fighting for the happiness of himself and the peace of those he loved.

It's stupid of me, but I take it a little personally when people tell me "it's just a game", because no. This was my life saver. This was my escape. This was my home when I needed to be out of my own. Italy is my little slice of heaven and Ezio is my little savior. I don't care that it's all just pixels. Ubisoft created something beautiful, and it saved me from a darker world, or worse, no world at all.

I'm so thankful to the friends I have that I met through this fandom. Some of them I've fallen out of contact with. Some I only spoke to once or twice. They always lent me their ear when I needed someone to talk to, and always offered their shoulder for me to cry on. I was able to come out to them, I was able to admit how scared I was for myself and my own safety, how much I hated being alone, everything. Venting was beneficial. It was necessary. I had nobody I trusted in real life since the one I loved the most had been taken from me.

I got myself on anti depressants and have been cheering up. I've removed myself from bad ex-friends and have been making newer, better ones. I've been more honest and open and trying to keep less behind closed doors. I want to be like Ezio. I want to be hero. But most of all, I just don't want to stop fighting for my cause--my family, my friends, and myself.

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September 2012


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